Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You Might Also Like
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
This took me a second..
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time