TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.