80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
termite twitter scares me
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.