my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”