If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood