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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.