professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”