Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I know
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.