Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty