Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.