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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me if I was a dog
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU