I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Basically.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
welp
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.