My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW