I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Smile they said.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list