If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.