[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
starting a garage orchestra
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.