Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.