Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
motivation
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies