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How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.