[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly