Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.