The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village