Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You Might Also Like
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Sing it!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
This is always good for a laugh.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.