me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
…u ok Nintendo?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good