As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.