Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.