I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.