Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
This is my emotional support knife.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.