Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
So true for me
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what