Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
584.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.