If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.