Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: