For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You Might Also Like
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?