Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time