i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
a lot to unpack here
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
That’s easy for you to say
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Best spot.. 😅
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”