Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.