Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.