The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.