Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m confused about plants
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery