*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You Might Also Like
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Meow
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs