“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Support your local cemetery
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Omg 🤣
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus