Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.