Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
You Might Also Like
mood
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.