“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Best spot.. 😅
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.