nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.