i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
lmao
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR