me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.