I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
barbara was highly relatable
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?