My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.