[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Things will get butter, keep churning
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Autocarrot sucks!
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.